


I Want All That Is Not Mine

by aromanticjungkook (missbutterfly)



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Nothing heavy though, Some angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 15:36:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17790077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missbutterfly/pseuds/aromanticjungkook
Summary: “I know it’s been hard without Javi,” Yumi says and Yuzu’s heart thuds painfully. “But this,” she nods at his phone. “Isn’t how to deal with it.”(or; Yuzu attempts to sort through his feelings while Javi is off at Euros)





	I Want All That Is Not Mine

Yuzu is in the car on his way to the rink when the results come in. Admittedly, he’d promised Ghislain he wouldn’t stress himself out too much about Javi’s final competition.

“I know he’s your friend,” Ghislain had said, watching him calmly. “But you need to focus on yourself right now, maybe don’t watch it, especially because it’s so early and before practice.”

In the end, Yuzu had conceded. Ghislain, unfortunately, had a point. He had work to do and he could always watch Javi skate his free live on Saturday anyway. So, he doesn’t watch it. Instead he sits, phone clenched tightly in hand, flicking back and forth on twitter between accounts he knows posts results as they happen, and waits. He knows the worrying is unnecessary, can tell from the glances his mother is giving him from the driver’s seat that it’s written all over his face, but he can’t really help it. 

His heart clenches when he sees the first flood of results. Clean, Javi went clean. He exhales rapidly with a weak whine and Yumi’s concerned gaze flicks over to him again.

“How bad is it?” She asks.

“No!” Yuzu yelps. “No, no! He went clean, I’m just stressed.” He cuts off with a choked giggle, finally uncurling his aching fingers from around his phone. He wipes his sweaty palms on his pants and collapses back in his seat.

“Oh that’s good then! I’m happy for him,” Yumi says with a smile. “But, we were trying to avoid you being stressed.”

Yuzu gives her a deadpan look. “That was never going to happen.” 

Yumi tuts but gives him a warm look from the corner of her eye. 

“He should go into first then?” 

Yuzu grins and fist pumps in a tiny gesture of barely contained excitement. “Yeah,” he says. “He’ll be happy with that.” Then he tips his head to one side, considering. From Javi’s layout, especially if he was clean, he should be in the hundreds for his score. Maybe close to Yuzu’s own from Helsinki. Yuzu feels a small flood of competitive fire course through him, warming his chest.

Javi is hungry for this title, Yuzu had been able to tell immediately. Beyond the initial happy reunion, Javi’s concentration hadn’t strayed, not once. While Yuzu and Brian had been playfully making snide comments all season about how Javi wasn’t training, deep down Yuzu knew he would be okay. If there’s one person he trusts its Javi. Thankfully, Javi had learned to trust himself too. Yuzu had been able to see it during the Olympic season, had watched Javi navigate his training with a fiery thirst Yuzu wasn’t used to seeing from him. Seeing it again, being able to bear witness to Javi systematically building himself back up to competition standard, had been amazing. 

“What?”

Yuzu startles and looks back over at his mother. 

“Huh?”

“You have a look on your face,” Yumi says, her words curling in a way Yuzu can’t describe.

Yuzu blinks. “A look?” He asks.

Yumi hums as she slows the car a stop at a red light before she turns towards him. “Yes,” she says. “It looked a bit like this.” She crosses her eyes and pulls her chin in towards her neck in a truly awful display that jolts a laugh from Yuzu. He wheezes loudly as she corrects herself and continues driving when the lights go green.

Yuzu’s shoulders loosen.

“So what is his score?” She asks.

Yuzu sits upright again and reaches between his thighs for his phone. He’d forgotten about the score for a second, though it’s mostly just details at this point. Still, he scrolls leisurely through his phone for the numbers.

His thumb comes to a sudden halt and he hurriedly taps on his screen.

“He’s in third,” Yuzu says, his voice barely a whisper.

Next to him Yumi goes completely silent.

This doesn’t make any sense. Javi went clean, and had two quads. Given that, his usual PCS score and the fact that he’d been working on his spins every day, he should have been way ahead of the game. Perhaps he dropped a few levels? Or maybe had a few shaky landings? But still, third?

Yuzu’s eyes burn when he finally blinks and he feels a cold stab of worry hit him between his ribs.

“Are the protocols available?” Yumi asks, her earlier playful tone gone.

“No,” Yuzu says, even though he hasn’t checked. He keeps staring at his phone. “They usually take a few minutes.”

Yumi doesn’t point out that is has been a few minutes since Yuzu announced Javi - skating last - had finished. 

The car rolls to a halt as Yumi parks in front of the Club. For a while neither of them move. Yuzu hears Yumi sigh quietly next to him before she takes a breath. Yuzu braces himself for whatever she’s going to say.

“This is why you weren’t supposed to pay attention,” she says, chiding but warm. “It’s all you’re going to think about.”

“What else am I supposed to think about?” Yuzu ask, more sharply than intended. He flinches and finally turns his phone away from him. “Sorry,” he says, and gives his mother an apologetic smile. She matches it, identical on her own face.

“You’re supposed to think about yourself,” she says and then sighs. “I know-” she cuts herself off. Yuzu turns to her, eyebrows raised curiously. She chews the corner of her mouth in the nervous habit he adopted and then pins him with a hard-eyed stare.

“I know it’s been hard without Javi,” she says and Yuzu’s heart thuds painfully. “But this,” she nods at his phone. “Isn’t how to deal with it.”

Yuzu’s swallows thickly and looks away, unable to meet her eyes anymore. Her small hand settles on his shoulder, and she strokes the curve of it with her thumb. He leans into the touch slightly, wishing for an awful, sickening second it was a larger, warmer hand instead.

“I know,” he starts, feeling strangely small, here, being comforted by his mother over something that shouldn’t matter. But- it does matter. It almost matters too much, like if Javi were too lose his title - his last title - it would wound Yuzu personally. He can already feel the ache in his chest at the thought of it. “I know it isn’t.” 

Yumi sighs again and gives his shoulder a little squeeze before turning to grab her handbag from the backseat. Yuzu shuffles too, moving to get out of the car before he hears her again.

“Check the protocols when we go in,” she says. “Before you let this ruin your day.” 

He watches her climb out of the car, his cheeks burning. “It wasn’t going to run my day!”

Yuzu huffs as she ignores him and goes to get his bag.

\------

Yuzu doesn’t get a chance to get his phone back out. The second Ghislain sees his face, Yuzu know he’s been caught.

“You watched it didn’t you,” he says rather than asks.

“No,” Yuzu says, and it’s not a lie. Ghislain gives him a flat look.

“I follow on twitter,” Yuzu concedes with a barely contained grimace. 

Ghislain’s flat look grows even more unimpressed. “Congratulations, that’s probably worse.”

“You ask me to not watch, so I didn’t.”

“I wasn’t about not watching, Yuzu,” Ghislain sighs. “It was about not letting you get distracted.”

“I don’t get distracted,” Yuzu says, affronted. 

“Not usually,” Ghislain agrees. 

Yuzu looks away, cheek’s growing annoyingly warm under Ghislain’s watchful eye. He starts lacing up his skates to avoid looking at him.

“How bad is it?” Ghislain asks. 

Yuzu makes a surprised noise and his hands pause. “You don’t know?”

Ghislain snorts next to him. “I’ve been busy here all morning,” he says and then his tone turns playful. “Not everyone’s life revolves around Javier Fernandez.” 

Yuzu’s head shoots up to glare at him. “You’re his coach.” 

Ghislain’s brows lift. “No,” he says, seriously. “He has Brian with him. Right now I’m _your_ coach. You’re my priority, and if something is messing with your head we have to fix it.”

Yuzu fiddles with his sleeves. When he doesn’t say anything Ghislain continues, voice softer. “So,” he says. “How bad is it?”

Yuzu nibbles at his bottom lip for a second. “He’s third.”

Ghislain’s face contorts in a strange way that makes Yuzu want to laugh. He doesn’t.

“He’s third and you’re acting like he’s in fifteenth?” Ghislain is barely containing a laugh as well it seems. “God Yuzu he’s come back from worse. How far is he away from first?”

Yuzu wiggles his head side to side in thought. “Nine points to first and less than one to second.”

Yuzu isn’t sure how Ghislain manages it but somehow he gives him an even more unimpressed look than before. “So he’s still feasibly got a good shot at the title?”

Yuzu huffs, he knows Ghislain’s game. “Yes, Javi can win.” He recites agreeingly. The laugh he held down earlier pulls at his lips again. Ghislain catches it.

“Positive attitude remember?” 

Yuzu rolls his eyes and stands. He makes his way onto the ice and twirls his guards off before handing them to Ghislain who places them carefully with his stuff. 

“Don’t make me make you say it, Hanyu, I swear.”

Yuzu heaves out a sigh and meets Ghislain’s gaze head on.

“Positive attitude helps beat bad brain,” Yuzu says seriously. Ghislain’s answering smile is warm.

“Yes it does,” he agrees, the nods to ice. “Get to work.”

Yuzu throws him a cheeky salute and does just that.

In the end, Yuzu manages to hold off until his break to check the protocols. Barely. Whenever Ghislain caught him casting longing glances at his bag he’d side-eye Yuzu until Yuzu skated away guiltly. It was hard, keeping a positive mindset. Yuzu was here training but Javi was out there, living through a competition, trying to navigate through it. Yuzu couldn’t help getting distracted.

Finally able to escape the awful, circulating mindset, Yuzu grabs his bag and makes his way to the lounge area. He digs a pen and notebook out of his bag and then calmly searches for the protocols. Having to scroll down to see Javi’s score sparks a quick flash of incredulous anger and Yuzu’s mouth twists. Seeing the numbers brings some sense to Javi’s score - Mikhail apparently did well - but still Mikhail was down a quad so what happened? Then he sees it.

An under rotation.

On the salchow. 

On _Javi’s_ salchow.

Quickly Yuzu opens up Youtube to search for the program. The negative GOE on the axel isn’t overly surprising as Javi can sometimes have an issue with it, but an under rotation? That doesn’t sound right. With a few quick taps he finds a decent enough copy. 

Seeing Javi in the all-black Malagueña outfit again sends an unexpected shockwave through him. Yuzu swallows against the pressure in his throat and chest. That’s been happening a lot recently, ever since he got back after the summer and suddenly realised Javi wouldn’t be coming back for a long time. Since then Javi’s absence has been its own presence, looming in Yuzu’s peripheral. It took Yuzu close to a month to stop instinctively looking around the rink for him. It’s a strange feeling, to feel simultaneously lighter and heavier, almost like he’s a weighted down helium balloon, and since the injury he’s been slowly deflating. Having Javi back helped him float. Yuzu never underestimates feelings of hopelessness, and knows that the brief sadness he felt after Russia was nowhere near the intensity of the previous toxicity his brain has experienced, but what was there instantly became noticeable as soon as Javi stepped back onto the ice. Even then, as soon as Yuzu was wrapped in that warm embrace, everything was just suddenly _better_ \- like something had clicked back into place.

It feels like that now, watching Javi take his starting position. 

The program is far from perfect but seeing it again is a wonderful feeling. Every single flourish and stroke is familiar and Yuzu finds himself following along with his fingers, acting out the steps along with Javi. Yuzu smiles gently but his eyes sharpen as Javi moves to set up his salchow and they follow Javi’s feet as he jumps and lands-

Wait.

_Wait._

Yuzu pauses and goes back. He rewatches it again. And again. He quickly sets it to half speed and plays it again. And again. And again. He pauses it at the exact moment Javi’s blade touches the ice. 

Under rotation? Yuzu thinks. _Where?!_

Yuzu stares at his phone is disbelief, feeling himself slowly getting more and more angry until he releases an outraged yell.

A table over from him Zhenya jumps in her seat.

“What happened?” She asks, eyes wide.

Yuzu, eyes still fixed on the image of Javi’s skate - clearly on the ice, clearly less than 90 degrees - tries to stay calm as he responds. “You watch Javi skate?” He asks.

“Yes! His score was a little low but he did well!” Zhenya says brightly, but then there’s a pause as she likely looks him over. “Uh? Are you,” she starts. “Are you angry?”

“They give him under rotation,” Yuzu says.

“Yes, I see it,” Zhenya says, tone confused.

“They give _Javi_ under rotation, on the _quad sal_ ,” Yuzu stresses.

He finally looks over at her and sees Zhenya watching him with her eyebrows pinched. Her cheeks and nose are still a bit red from being out on the ice and usually Yuzu would be curbing an urge to poke her very gently on the tip of her nose. As it is, Yuzu is too annoyed right now to do anything other than scowl at her.

Zhenya’s expression dims even more. “They’re more harsher with the calls this season, you know that.”

“Yeah but,” Yuzu protests. “It’s Javi! His jump is good, and _fully rotated_.”

He turns his phone towards her and she leans in with narrowed eyes to take in the image. Eventually, Zhenya crinkles her nose at it and then glances up at him. “Yeah, okay,” she says and then grins when Yuzu nods sharply.

Zhenya laughs. “He was angry too.”

“You talk to Javi?” Yuzu asks, fighting against the swelling petty jealousy in his stomach.

“No,” she says, and then shakes her head. “At the press conference, he was _so_ irritated.” Zhenya’s eyes twinkle as she speaks, her lips twitching. 

Yuzu huffs and starts the video again. “You should be working not watch Javi,” he says. 

She gives him a deadpan stare that flickers between his face and the phone in his hand. Yuzu flushes and places his phone screen-down on the table. He gestures to it. See.

Zhenya laughs again and stands from her seat, grabbing her water bottle from the table. “Maybe you should message him, he will be very happy about your anger,” she says, and then with a wink she wanders off back towards the rink. 

As he watches her go, Yuzu’s fingers itch with the urge to pick up his phone. He wants to go back to the protocols, to figure out what was wrong; to study. Yuzu has always found security in numbers: jump statistics, entry angles, base values, personal bests, GOE average. All of them make sense in his mind. Whenever he hits a rut in practice - or, he thinks with a twinge of unease in his chest, when he isn’t able to jump - he has always retreated to his notebooks, to figure out the math. Seeing everything laid out in black and multicoloured ink helps him compartmentalise, helps find what needs fixing. Javi isn’t like that, Yuzu knows. Javi relies on his instinct, he understands skating in abstract feelings and intuition as he goes into his elements, throwing every part of his soul into the air with him. Javi has never been one for working out the math.

So, Yuzu will do it for him.

With a nod and a growing sense of determination Yuzu gets to work. He spends his break pulling up the season’s protocols, calculating Mikhail and Samarin’s averages against what he knows Javi can produce. Yuzu is intimately familiar with Javi’s free program - even more so than Malaguena - he knows every transition, every spin position, every twist of Javi’s wrists and curl of his fingers. Javi’s passion for performing never fails to shine through, no matter how determined he is. Yuzu smiles down at the numbers arranged into neat columns over the page, and that competitive fire flares up inside him again. Javi can win; Yuzu’s faith in Javi pulses under his skin, aching so acutely its as if its trying to reach out to Javi and offer him strength. Part of Yuzu wishes he was there with him, to share in Javi’s ire, but he knows that Brian’s ever-present calm is what Javi needs right now.

Still, Zhenya’s words keep repeating in his head. Maybe Javi would like a message from him? Tentatively he opens up their chat on his phone. The last text is from Javi; a picture of Roni’s tiny, furry face smushed into Javi’s cheek, pulled tight by a wide grin. The angle is unflattering, taken from too low down, but Yuzu had spent many nights glancing over it after Javi had sent it, the glittering of Javi’s eyes bringing Yuzu back to it often enough it should be embarrassing. 

Before he can think better of it, Yuzu snaps a picture of his notebook, purposefully blurred enough that the numbers are barely legible and sends it to Javi. Then he flinches. Yuzu has no idea what time it is in Minsk.

Just has Yuzu is about to check the time conversion, he sees the small tick under his message turn dark. His eyes widen. Javi had opened it immediately.

Yuzu’s heart stutters when his phone vibrates.

 **Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** What’s this? XD

Oh right, Yuzu hadn’t even sent a caption with it. His can feel his ears heating up as he responds.

 **Me:** Proof Javi can win (`•ω•´๑)

It feels slightly redundant now, all the intended impact of his original message is gone because he forgot to send a caption. Yuzu pouts.

 **Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** I know I can

For a second Yuzu can’t read his tone.

 **Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** If the judges let me win that is

Ah. Yuzu snorts at Javi’s lack of attempt to repress his annoyance. Cheekily, he snaps a quick picture of his glasses folded up on the table sends it to Javi.

 **Me:** The judges need help seeing

 **Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** They can see they just don’t care

Yuzu clamps his teeth into his bottom lip to keep from laughing. 

**Me:** I hear about the press con

 **Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** Aren’t you supposed to be training?

 **Me:** I was!  
**Me:** Evgenia told me d(￣◇￣)b  
**Me:** She said you are angry with the call

 **Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** Maybe XD  
**Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** -2 to 2 points is too big for a gap 

 

 **Me:** The new system has problems but it will help you  
**Me:** You have best skating in Europe  
**Me:** Show them Javier Fernandez and you will win

The response from Javi takes a little longer at that.

 **Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** It’s that simple 

**Me:** Yes  
**Me:** For me

**Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** Of course  
**Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** You did the maths XD 

********

****

For a second Yuzu sits and thinks, locked in a debate over what will be too truthful to say. Eventually, he shakes his head. It’s Javi. Only the truth matters. 

**Me:** It’s simple for me always

For a while there’s no reply but it doesn’t bother Yuzu too much, it’s getting late in Minsk. He needs to get back to work anyway. Slowly, he packs up his stuff, giving his calculations a final glance over before shrugging. 

When he steps back onto the ice Ghislain raises his eyebrows at him. This time, when Yuzu sends Ghislain a smile it doesn’t feel wrong on his face. 

It isn’t until hours later - finally able to check his phone again - that Yuzu sees Javi’s reply.

 **Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** Thank you Yuzu  
**Javi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ:** I will win x

Yumi doesn’t ask about the heat in his cheeks when she arrives to pick him up, and Yuzu tucks his gratitude away, feeling truly light for the first time in months.

**Author's Note:**

> i'll be honest i wasn't expecting to post this so soon but i felt comfortable enough to so i really hope u all enjoyed this first chapter ^^ (also i've been excited to write yumi for like half a year lmao)


End file.
